Us grunts in the scientific trenches tend to enjoy science fiction movies for the same reason romance novels with Fabio on the cover sell so well. We want to live the fantasy. We want our intellect to be respected, nay, revered -- even feared! We want to be called upon to give advice to the President. We want to be directors of National Laboratories and Observatories. We want to be the guys with the answers.
But most of all, we want the toys.
That's why, after years of meticulous research and laborious product development, we're proud to announce that the dream has come true!
Why slave away for the majority of your career doing workaday data analysis? Why are you chained to a workstation in your dank, lonely office when you could be driving a convertible past scenic New Mexico vistas and meeting handsome philosopher/rogues in the jungles of Puerto Rico? Why aren't you participating the government's UFO conspiracy instead of trying to get some obsolete FORTRAN code to compile? You could be glad-handing high-level NASA officials and volunteering for the space program, but no, instead you've been working for weeks to finish some tiresome calculation!
How many times have you wondered isn't there a better way?
Well, now you can live a life of romance and excitement like your Hollywood colleagues, because for the first time, their powerful software tools are available to you in one convenient package!
Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software means just what it says: instant data reduction, anytime, anywhere. Just look at some of its attractive features:
Your worries about OS compatibility are over! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will run on Macs, PCs, Unix and Linux machines, even alien spacecraft! Export files to any computer -- even upload viruses to cripple the computers of any threatening entity, foreign or domestic!
And don't worry about computing power! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software allows you to run even the most intensive applications right on your personal computer or laptop!
And speaking of laptops, does your battery always seem to run low at the worst time? When combating forces of intergalactic evil, you don't always have time to recharge! That's why Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software has sophisticated power-managament algorithms that guarantee performance when you need it!
Type in any question, in plain English, and Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will understand! Use with voice-recognition software for even greater ease!
Are you sick of programs whose output is a stream of ugly-looking numbers that only someone familiar with the software could interpret? Not so with Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software! Choose from a variety of computer-generated voices: Electronic Machine Voice, Dispassionate Female Voice, Whiny-But-Lovable Sidekick Voice, and others! Text output is also provided, with shocking conclusions conveniently highlighted and/or blinking! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will give you the answer to any quandary in plain, simple English even an AP science writer can understand!
A picture is worth a thousand words, and our graphical display speaks volumes! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software has detailed maps and star charts, and will automatically detect which graphic is most applicable to your dilemma! Don't worry about scaling, either! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will automatically choose a scale that shows adequate detail and delivers an extensive field of view!
The 3-D imaging capabilities of Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will blow you away! A few key strokes or a verbal description of anything allows Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software to immediately render a detailed three-dimensional model!
Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software even comes preloaded with a huge library of easy-to-recognize icons, including Killer Asteroid, Killer Comet, Mother Earth, Flaming Sun, Alien Spacecraft, Space Shuttle, Earthquake Epicenter, Volcanic Eruption, Escaped Robot, and much much more!
Why display the bland black-and-white pictures supplied by most imaging devices? Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will provide instant true-color images, automatically enhancing drab color schemes to make pictures suitable for framing!
Use Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software to access any peripheral: mass spectrometers, telescopes, cameras, remote control vehicles, even things you'd swear you couldn't hook up to a computer! And what about troublesome cables that are easy to lose, and are always getting tangled up and in the way? Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software uses wireless technology to instantly interface with any device!
Access the internet anywhere, from the jungles of the Amazon to the depths outer space with a blindingly fast baud rate! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software makes it possible!
Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software delivers what it promises! Instant data analysis! Applications for the analysis of any type of data are right at your fingertips, and are automatically activated when a new data stream is encountered!
Handle ASCII, audio, video and more! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software has impressive editing facilities, rivaling those you'd find in any studio! Filter! Enhance! Enlarge! You can do it all with Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software!
Worried about compatibility with extraterrestrial data formats? Don't be! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software will automatically recognize, decipher, and display any dataset, even those never meant for human eyes!
How much time have you wasted on calibration? Weeks? Months? Years? Well, don't waste another second! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software goes straight from raw data to results with no time-consuming intermediate steps! Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software gives accurate results the first time, every time!
Error bars are a thing of the past with Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software! Avoid embarrassing uncertainties that make you sound wishy-washy -- even stupid! The answer you get from Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software is 100% right, 100% of the time!
Extrapolate to any coordinates in space and time, or any other parameter space using, three, two . . . even just one data point! Limited data is never a problem for Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software!
Disclaimer: The makers of Hollywood Instant Data Reduction Software are not responsible for inaccurate results, failures, or crashes of any kind which may be necessary to the plot. Warrantee void if installed a deep space probe which then crashes into an alien probe, allowing software to be melded into a hellish hybrid of contradictory imperatives.
Copyright Britt Scharringhausen, 1999
Return to: Zenith or Nadir or The Originbrs@astro.cornell.edu Last modified: Tue Mar 5 14:27:57 EST 2002